How the MISDIAGNOSIS of Borderline Personality Disorder, WEAPONIZED, Damaged Me and Nearly Ended My Life…


Hallmarks of BPD

Following are hallmarks of borderline personality disorder:

1)Intense fear of abandonment, real or imaginary.

I do not fear abandonment. Many friends have passed through my life on their ways to distant ports of call in their lives’s journeys and I have always said, Well that is fine, we will simply continue to be friends on paper. I love letter writing and these days,what with email and skyping it is easier than ever to stay in touch. I still have a friend I met at folk dancing in 1972 who lives in Arizona, and we still talk occasionally and even meet every ten years or so. The thing is, we still consider ourselves friends. When my surrogate mother Lynn Levine died, I admit I cried, it was a very sad day and we had grown closer than ever over the two years of her dying.  I was sad that she was gone, but not fearful that she was abandoning me. (Dr Mary B O’Malley, in her insane need to brand me with the BPD diagnosis, before she removed it altogether in a letter to Dr Angela, unbeknownst to me, insisted angrily to me in a session that my tears were symptomatic, right then and there of my “intense fear of abandonment.” Rather than understandable grief than a lovely woman had stood in for my own mother during the years when she, my mother, had largely abandoned me due to my real mental illness of schizophrenia. (About this Dr Mary B O’Malley said nothing, zilch…Why say anything about a real abandonment that i had handled as well as anyone could?)

Having intense relationships with lots of conflict, and seeing the other person as “all-good” or “all bad.”

I have one friend who has dominated me for many years, and she may indeed have borderline personality disorder and suffers from it greatly. She demands that I not have other friends, despite the fact that I have many. And she bad mouths the ones Ido. She wants my narcolepsy drugs because they are stimulants and she believes these drugs are the only things in the world that make her “happy” but in fact NOTHING makes her happy. With all my other friends — my 60 birthday party was filled with 16 good personal friends who came to celebrate, not boyfriends and wives to fill in the space, but just my own friends. And they loved each other, though they had rarely met. I do not have conflict with any of my friends, and they would be appalled to have anyone insist that our relationships were filled with such extremes. They all tell me they love me dearly and that the biggest problem is that I do not love myself.


If the below is true about BPD, count me out. I do not feel empty. I feel too full of ideas of things to do and think about. I feel sad about the environment and the world, which I feel is dying due to humanity;s lack of caring and concern. But I definitely do not feel EMPTY. Hardly. I wake each morning feeling ready to start the day and having much to do and excited to do it.


The behaviors in this next paragraph mean NOTHING to me. I hav never done anything impulsive, except when driven to flinging shit in hospitals, because of their extreme trauma behavior. Engaging in impulsive “pain management” behaviors, such as going on spending sprees, having promiscuous sex, driving recklessly, abusing drugs or alcohol, binge eating, breaking the law, threatening suicide or making attempts, and engaging in self-harm — NONE have ever occurred to me. (When I harm myself it is exclusively in response to voices i hear telling me to do so, or when I hear people telling me to that I mistake for real people instead of understanding they are the voices.


I take Topomax, a seizure control drug, for a SEIZURE disorder and NOT for a mood disorder, despite what Michael Balkunas wrote on my discharge summary. I have never taken a seizure drug for mood stabilization. ONLY for temporal lobe epilepsy.

I have indeed been date raped under very unfortunate situations three times in my 20s when I was extremely innocent and did not understand that I had a right to be rescued by the security guards who asked me, and had any right to say No.


I have also been extremely traumatized and abused by caregivers and major people in my life whom I trusted and gave myself into their care. I should not have,. They were therapists and doctors. but I did not know better and suffered greatly. Now, I suffer under the ministrations of abusive doctors like Michael Balkunas who reads my PAD and decides to abrogate every single part of it because he KNOWS ME BETTER THAN I KNOW MYSELF.


To his dismay, I became loud and combative and fought his “help” every step of the way. So to take revenge, he added the BPD to my diagnosis. But it is a lie. He knows nothing about  me, no more than any other abusive in hospital doctor who have read what Mary O Malley Md PhD wrote in her discharge summaries when she was playing the nurses’ game at Norwalk Hospital and decided to let them treat me, who did not, even in her opinion, have BPD, with extreme behavioral protocols and seclusion and restraints. and dismissive ignoring of everything I said. Even today it resounds in my care. I feel it, I know it. Nothing is fair because of what she did, but she got a way with it…and I cannot litigate what she did more than a decade ago, lethal or nearly lethal though it was. But some day I will write her a letter and let her know the consequences of her actions.I do not believe she will care. People like her do not have consciences. Not even the Rev Dr Mary B O’Malley. She got away with it, She even wrote Dr Angela a letter denying it. But I have the records, I know she was lying, or trying to color things in a different way.

Hope was right when she said BPD was a weapon used against the intelligent and the disliked in hospitals. She said,if you objected, you were displaying symptoms of the diagnosis, and were dismissed, and when you objected to being dismissed, you were being manipulative. You couldn’t win, and even your rage at being not listened to was symptomatic… It is enough to make me want to pound my head through a door! (you see how it goes…)


Thank god I am out of HOCC, and I hope that  the blog post about Michael Balkunas has had some success at reaching them on the unit, I hope he and Jessica have had a chance to read it. Dismiss it though they certainly will, I want them to read it!  Fuck them, I have something to say and they need to know what that is.

4 thoughts on “How the MISDIAGNOSIS of Borderline Personality Disorder, WEAPONIZED, Damaged Me and Nearly Ended My Life…”

  1. Thank you for your comment. It must have been brutal in AZ too. I think most psychiatrists hate difficult teenage girls, and esp when they have real troubles and need help. I did. but I was not borderline, and my mother would fight anyone who told her I was manipulative…to this day she says they got me all wrong, they never say the Pam that she saw…It comforts me, plus the doctor who started that whole thing wrote this bizarre letter to my present psychiatrist taking it all back after ten years. saying she never believed the dx, never used it herself (HAH! ) but couldn’t convince others that it wasn’t true. NOT> she started it by capitulating to the staff who wanted to use behavioral techniques on me to control me, and instead of standing up for me as she knew I did not have it, she went along with it, and only ten years later, after fighting with me for 9 years to get me to acquiesce to it, writes Dr C to say she never did believe it…OH it was so irritating and devastating, because i thought finally that she really did believe in the Dx even if I did not. She was such a liar, such a traumatized, and manipulator herself,…to do such a damaging thing to me and then deny it! I cannot believe it! I hate her and yet I appreciate that she would put her opinion in writing, take that risk. Because i could may be have sued her….Enough, I must sleep and get up early tomorrow and this bring such terrible sorrow to mind, so much damage and nearly murder was committed because of this dx…you would dnot believe it. The hostpial staffs just hated me before they even knew me, because they dismissed me first thing. I HATE THEM!!!!! Enough, for now. Thanks for the comment. I am leaving CT and moving to VT in three months, I will be killed her if I am hospitalized again, I know it.

  2. Pamela, I very much relate to this blog post. I think that all women in p$ychiatry get labeled Borderline. It’s a gender stereotype punishment hysteria label. I’m sorry that they were allowed to write that in your permanent file. I believe you when you say that you don’t meet the criteria. My rapist father calls me borderline even though I literally don’t meet the criteria.
    When I was a teenager and locked up in a “residential treatment facility” in an Arizona desert against my will, they called every patient/prisoner (it was a girls only “program”) there “manipulative”. It hurt(s) me so deeply and it is unjust that these “mental health professionals” can label us with insults to degrade and control us and make it seem scientific/medical.

    I really enjoyed reading your blog. (I’m from Connecticut too.)

  3. The thing is I was never diagnosed by anyone who really knows me with BPD. Only by temporary in-hospital doctors, AFTER they abused me…So what they saw was my reaction to the extreme trauma of brutal four point restraints, stripped naked, tied to the four corners of an iron bedstead at one hospital, or after seclusion for weeks at a time…isolated and not even allowed to speak to the person monitoring the room.

    What sort of treatment is that for any human being much less someone who is psychotic? My family — ALL my family members and friends have always denied that i exhibit any of the BPD constellation of symptoms, including inappropriate anger and unstable relationships. I have been abused, yes, seriously and thrice date raped when I was too innocent to know I was not to blame. Yes, I have PTSD as a result, But I never FELT that I had PTSD before I was so traumatized by hospital personnel , esp over the past decade.

    I have nearly two dozen close and loving friends, individually not as a group. And except for the shit flinging episodes when I am OOC with fury at being dismissed and denied my rights as a human being, not to mention all the horror that goes along with being simultaneously psychotic, I have no trouble at all controlling my anger. I can be angry, yes, but i channel it in constructive ways, such as in this blog and in letter writing campaigns and in art and such. And in fighting against injustice and the ruination of the earth. I also consider my art to be a fourth miracle of my life, because it changed my life, as did the other three miracles. How many people get to say that they have experienced four life-changing miracles before the age of 60?

    Trust me, I am angry, but I am not an angry person, and there is a big difference, In fact, I am capable of great joy, which is why I think I feel blessed by the aforementioned miracles. (They were not physical or even mental healings, just life-changing events for the good…)

    I would also say that I do not even exhibit unstable moods! I take an anticonvulsant for its primary use: as an anti-seizure medication, because FORCED electroconvulsive treatments left me with temporal lobe epilepsy. But I do NOT have a mood disorder, even though over the years, due to my supposedly uncontrollable (IN HOSPITAL ONLY temper, I have been sometimes called “schizo-affective.” That is balderdash. I am not depressed, and while I can feel sad, I know the difference between a mood and a feeling, and my sad feelings pass.

    What I do suffer from, and I admit this, is an enormous sense that I am to blame for the world’s ills. I am evil and had I never been born the world would not be engaged in the mortal combat it is presently in. I mean this seriously. All the fish are dying. All the oceans are moribund and frankly just the mosquito problem this summer says it all: I KILLED all the bats in the world, so no wonder there are mosquitos by the gazillions out now…I am not kidding or exaggerating. I love polar bears and have loved them forever, but I killed them. And I killed the last Yangtze River Dolphin…No, don’t tell me I exaggerate. I know I should never have been born. I was an evil child, and evil seed, and for all my loving friends and kind family and all my gestures to make good and do good and try to end the suffering, I cannot change what evil my nature has caused. I should be dead. If I were a truly GOOD person I would kill myself. But I don’t because I am not…

    Maybe this is clearer to you now, or not. I dunno.

    I read many Alice Miller books many years ago. I liked her, but as with most books, I had so much trouble reading under the influence of Prolixin decanoate that a lot of what she said went over my head and into the cloud of medication. Too bad. I don’t think I could reread anything now. But I do recall thinking “she has a lot to say if only I could just get it into my head..” .I do not recall anything at all about complex PtSD in the books though. In the 90s was it even spoken of much? that’s when I first read the Drama of the Gifted Child, as I recall. But so much is blurred. Maybe it wasn’t so long ago, I dunno…

    Thanks so very much for all your comments. I love your terrific intelligence and your patience. You deserve some good friends, and a couple of close ones, if you could trust them. It would be good for you, if you dared.

    Thank you again, Hope, You’re a good egg..I like you.

  4. When I was originally diagnosed with BPD, I think it was because my self-injury was something the doctors and therapists didn’t know how else to deal with. At the time, the only diagnosis that included intentional self-injury was BPD. I didn’t meet 5 of the 9 criteria, which is supposed to be the threshold for diagnosis.

    I didn’t engage in frantic efforts to avoid abandonment because I didn’t get attached to anyone. I still feel very few attachments to people, even ones who I like a lot and have been part of my life for a long time. It’s not that I don’t care about them, but I’m not good at keeping in touch, and I don’t miss them if they fade out of my life.

    I didn’t engage in impulsive behavior; in fact, I tend to be overly risk-averse in most cases. I overthink most things and don’t do anything until I’ve played out in my head all the possible outcomes in my head and how I would respond in each case.

    I didn’t have trouble managing anger–unless you count the fact that I couldn’t allow myself to feel it at all toward anyone but myself, which almost killed me. I put up with 19 years of abuse, and I only showed outward anger to my parents a handful of times. I honestly believed, as an adult, that I just didn’t feel anger, only annoyance and frustration sometimes. I turned all of it inward into self-hatred that almost killed me before I found an excellent therapist who kept poking at my anger until I finally felt it and acknowledged it and realized that it wasn’t going to explode like a nuclear weapon that would level cities. Now, my ability to feel anger is what drives the work I do.

    The rest of the symptoms I have can be much better explained as reactions to repeated, severe trauma than as some inherent wrongness in my personality. Have you read Alice Miller’s work? She says that a lot of people diagnosed with BPD actually have complex PTSD, and that certainly resonates with me. I think it might with you, too.

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