How the MISDIAGNOSIS of Borderline Personality Disorder, WEAPONIZED, Damaged Me and Nearly Ended My Life…

FROM BPD CENTRAL:

Hallmarks of BPD

Following are hallmarks of borderline personality disorder:

1)Intense fear of abandonment, real or imaginary.

I do not fear abandonment. Many friends have passed through my life on their ways to distant ports of call in their lives’s journeys and I have always said, Well that is fine, we will simply continue to be friends on paper. I love letter writing and these days,what with email and skyping it is easier than ever to stay in touch. I still have a friend I met at folk dancing in 1972 who lives in Arizona, and we still talk occasionally and even meet every ten years or so. The thing is, we still consider ourselves friends. When my surrogate mother Lynn Levine died, I admit I cried, it was a very sad day and we had grown closer than ever over the two years of her dying.  I was sad that she was gone, but not fearful that she was abandoning me. (Dr Mary B O’Malley, in her insane need to brand me with the BPD diagnosis, before she removed it altogether in a letter to Dr Angela, unbeknownst to me, insisted angrily to me in a session that my tears were symptomatic, right then and there of my “intense fear of abandonment.” Rather than understandable grief than a lovely woman had stood in for my own mother during the years when she, my mother, had largely abandoned me due to my real mental illness of schizophrenia. (About this Dr Mary B O’Malley said nothing, zilch…Why say anything about a real abandonment that i had handled as well as anyone could?)

Having intense relationships with lots of conflict, and seeing the other person as “all-good” or “all bad.”

I have one friend who has dominated me for many years, and she may indeed have borderline personality disorder and suffers from it greatly. She demands that I not have other friends, despite the fact that I have many. And she bad mouths the ones Ido. She wants my narcolepsy drugs because they are stimulants and she believes these drugs are the only things in the world that make her “happy” but in fact NOTHING makes her happy. With all my other friends — my 60 birthday party was filled with 16 good personal friends who came to celebrate, not boyfriends and wives to fill in the space, but just my own friends. And they loved each other, though they had rarely met. I do not have conflict with any of my friends, and they would be appalled to have anyone insist that our relationships were filled with such extremes. They all tell me they love me dearly and that the biggest problem is that I do not love myself.

 

If the below is true about BPD, count me out. I do not feel empty. I feel too full of ideas of things to do and think about. I feel sad about the environment and the world, which I feel is dying due to humanity;s lack of caring and concern. But I definitely do not feel EMPTY. Hardly. I wake each morning feeling ready to start the day and having much to do and excited to do it.

 

The behaviors in this next paragraph mean NOTHING to me. I hav never done anything impulsive, except when driven to flinging shit in hospitals, because of their extreme trauma behavior. Engaging in impulsive “pain management” behaviors, such as going on spending sprees, having promiscuous sex, driving recklessly, abusing drugs or alcohol, binge eating, breaking the law, threatening suicide or making attempts, and engaging in self-harm — NONE have ever occurred to me. (When I harm myself it is exclusively in response to voices i hear telling me to do so, or when I hear people telling me to that I mistake for real people instead of understanding they are the voices.

 

I take Topomax, a seizure control drug, for a SEIZURE disorder and NOT for a mood disorder, despite what Michael Balkunas wrote on my discharge summary. I have never taken a seizure drug for mood stabilization. ONLY for temporal lobe epilepsy.

I have indeed been date raped under very unfortunate situations three times in my 20s when I was extremely innocent and did not understand that I had a right to be rescued by the security guards who asked me, and had any right to say No.

 

I have also been extremely traumatized and abused by caregivers and major people in my life whom I trusted and gave myself into their care. I should not have,. They were therapists and doctors. but I did not know better and suffered greatly. Now, I suffer under the ministrations of abusive doctors like Michael Balkunas who reads my PAD and decides to abrogate every single part of it because he KNOWS ME BETTER THAN I KNOW MYSELF.

 

To his dismay, I became loud and combative and fought his “help” every step of the way. So to take revenge, he added the BPD to my diagnosis. But it is a lie. He knows nothing about  me, no more than any other abusive in hospital doctor who have read what Mary O Malley Md PhD wrote in her discharge summaries when she was playing the nurses’ game at Norwalk Hospital and decided to let them treat me, who did not, even in her opinion, have BPD, with extreme behavioral protocols and seclusion and restraints. and dismissive ignoring of everything I said. Even today it resounds in my care. I feel it, I know it. Nothing is fair because of what she did, but she got a way with it…and I cannot litigate what she did more than a decade ago, lethal or nearly lethal though it was. But some day I will write her a letter and let her know the consequences of her actions.I do not believe she will care. People like her do not have consciences. Not even the Rev Dr Mary B O’Malley. She got away with it, She even wrote Dr Angela a letter denying it. But I have the records, I know she was lying, or trying to color things in a different way.

Hope was right when she said BPD was a weapon used against the intelligent and the disliked in hospitals. She said,if you objected, you were displaying symptoms of the diagnosis, and were dismissed, and when you objected to being dismissed, you were being manipulative. You couldn’t win, and even your rage at being not listened to was symptomatic… It is enough to make me want to pound my head through a door! (you see how it goes…)

 

Thank god I am out of HOCC, and I hope that  the blog post about Michael Balkunas has had some success at reaching them on the unit, I hope he and Jessica have had a chance to read it. Dismiss it though they certainly will, I want them to read it!  Fuck them, I have something to say and they need to know what that is.

9 thoughts on “How the MISDIAGNOSIS of Borderline Personality Disorder, WEAPONIZED, Damaged Me and Nearly Ended My Life…”

  1. I am so sorry that happened to you in the hospital and from law enforcement. Many times, law enforcement may not have been properly trained to deal with trauma victims or those with mental illnesses. Diagnosing BPD from “anger” alone is inappropriate. From what it sounds like, your anger was appropriate; a cognitive psychologist who only does research and not practitioner work told me that anger means you’re pushing toward something; in this case, the anger you exhibited was warranted because (1) you were in an unfamiliar place, (2) you reacted from a survival point of view, and (3) you were in fact mishandled let alone mistreated. A history of childhood trauma and anger symptoms alone don’t even meet the requirements themselves for BPD. BPD screening and assessment, and proper diagnosis based on complete assessment, is what is needed for that diagnosis or any other diagnosis. If they had asked you why you were upset, instead of assuming that you should, in that particular case, voluntarily state why you’re upset, you probably would feel much better. But they didn’t ask, and they assumed that people who naturally need time to trust others–esp. those in positions of power–should just willfully trust them (the ones in power) without anger is absurd. In police training, we had learned to deescalate the situation; but in hospital or other therapeutic settings, their only methods appear to be shooting someone with drugs and strapping patients down–which does little to deescalate a situation and obscures a thorough and unbiased screening or assessment; any screenings after having been mistreated by law enforcement or hospital staff would have compromised any screening or assessments after that UNLESS there were a higher-up staff member, like a hospital supervisor, who intervened, took your statement, apologized to you or legally stated that your concerns were valid. Unfortunately, they don’t train many professionals on the screening of anger, the fact that anger is appropriate in certain circumstances, the fact that anger doesn’t always mean pathology, and the fact that anger doesn’t always lead to violence. Although I do agree that practitioners are so easy to misdiagnose people (esp. females) with BPD, I’ve also known some people to have BPD and truly struggle with it, truly get the help they need from DBT and other forms of treatment, and truly feel glad they were able to get that diagnosis–as strange as that may sound. They struggle with the stigma of that diagnosis, but they also, like Dr. Linehan, admit to the need to recognize it when it is there. They deal with specific forms of trauma. Unfortunately, DBT and other related CBT techniques don’t work for everyone, but sometimes those methods are effective for those without personality disorders. The stigma against any mental illness makes it harder for clinicians to get properly trained, for clinicians to treat all of their clients in an unbiased manner, and for the general public to be supportive of understanding and/or helping those with mental illnesses when it is *safe* to do so. But for the many who truly DO NOT HAVE BPD and were misdiagnosed, stigmatized, mistreated, misjudged, retraumatized, and otherwise mishandled, more needs to be done to repair the damage and HARM that was done by those in positions of power who lacked the appropriate training or the proper bedside manner or the ethics to treat those hurting individuals. Yes, people may want to please their doctors, but that pleasing comes with any disorder, not just BPD. The mistreatment, however, of anyone is disgusting. I’ve seen online video clips of children with ADHD get dragged across the room by educational staff who supposedly were trained in special education services for the mentally ill. It’s sad how people in power do not thoroughly assess the situation before falsely attributing it to something “dangerous” and then treating that danger in a very unethical manner. This occurs with adults and children, with all forms of mental or medical illnesses, and with those who have or who don’t have personality disorders, unfortunately. More needs to be done to train people on deescalation and proper assessment, including law enforcement, medical, emergency, and mental health professionals.

  2. Hi again, Peace Penguin, thank you for another helpful and amazing comment on this post, one which the original writing of cost me a lot. I was not sure I had it in me to be so open about what these doctors had done to me. After all, in recent years, I had one in-hospital psychiatrist, in the Brattleboro Retreat, about which I have remained utterly silent, a dr McGee, who diagnosed Borderline personality Disorder because i was angry after having been brought into the hospital in chains and handcuffs and leg irons, and get this, a hood over my face and head. Not only that, but though I was shackled, they refused to get a wheelchair, as required, and the police, though I was just a patient, not charged with a thing, dragged me by my;armpits from the sheriffs’ car and across the parking lot and up two flights of stairs, down the long hospital corridors into the extra secure double locked inner unit before unshackling me….so yes, I was angry, transporting me that way was humiliating and unnecessary and illegal. But did McGee ask me why I was angry? No, he just decided it was inappropriate anger and diagnosed a personality disorder! Within 5 minutes of meeting me!

    anyhow, I am more and more convinced that BPD disorder does not truly exist except when created by the process of being diagnosed with it, an entirely iatrogenic illness. People want to please their doctors and if they are told they have this so called mental illness I know plenty are happy to take on the characteristics of it, and play the role to the hilt just to get some attention even if it is bad attention. It is disgusting that we make this happen, but I blame the docs and the nurses For forcing it on patients. I do not believe BPD really exists or is all that common in “in-the wild” so to speak….but our system chooses certain people to scapegoat and torture and dislike, and voila. There you have BPD. But it definitely results from the scapegoating not the other way around.

  3. Thank you, Pamela. How I deal with anger is mostly cathartic, such as speaking directly about what I’m angry about with particular people (if safe to do so), doing what I can legally to show when something is socially or legally unjust, try to find research or online laments via a Google search related to similar topics, draw or paint, speak to professionals and friends, take time to build myself up and so something I enjoy with those who know who I am and truly respect me, etc. It’s sad to hear many of my friends – veterans and otherwise – reiterate the same laments people have had in treatment, whether it be from misdiagnosis, ethical practices without proper treatment, unethical practices, correct diagnosis but incorrect treatment specific to a person’s culture or situational factors, etc. This is not to say that those with true diagnosis of BPD should be treated with disdain in clinical practice, but rather that the misdiagnosis of BPD can have deleterious effects for those who have been gaslit by therapists, mistreated by therapists, misjudged by therapists, lost jobs, lost career options, lost health care privileges, etc. Being misdiagnosed has serious implications, and not only for those who are misdiagnosed with BPD; it also occurs with those who are misdiagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolar I or bipolar II, major depressive disorder, ADHD, etc. The wrong medicine and wrong psychotherapy can really harm a patient or client iatrogenically. Pathologizing cultural or even individual belief systems (e.g., like what was once used as “drapatomania” is no longer a diagnosis because of its cultural bias; or e.g., like diagnosing strong religious people or indigenous groups or members of the LGBTQ community for their sexual preferences and orientation) and labeling them with a personality disorder or other form of pathology can have serious social consequences, in addition to serious personal implications. That is the primary issue I’m hoping will finally get addressed in legal, clinical, medical, social, societal, and governmental settings.

  4. Thank you so much, Peace Penguin, for this brilliant and rather sad (about your life) commentary. I am glad to hear that you have made it out of the system and into a place of peacefulness…I hope your anger, as UTTERLY justified as it is, does not get in the way of some peace of mind. That certainly remains a problem for me, i know, but I am trying to find my way there….

    Please, Stay in touch, if you want to, and read and write more on my blog. I would love to hear more from you!

    Pam

  5. I’m so sorry you went through all that. I have had a similar experience. I deal with DID, but some therapists don’t believe in that diagnosis, so they claim that it is just BPD in disguise or that an alternate personality has BPD. I was finally able to get treated by a trauma treatment hospital that monitored me for 2 months each time (total of 4 months for two trauma in-patient stays), and they said I didn’t have a personality disorder, but rather polyfragmented DID. That saved my life. I also didn’t know that the therapist I had out-patient in another state was trying to have a dual relationship with me, so the trauma hospital was a lifesaver by telling me warning signs of bad therapists. This was about 11 years ago. When I was misdiagnosed and placed on medications, I didn’t remember self-injuring, but it was only when I was on the five or more pills comprising antipsychotics, antidepressants, and anti-anxiety meds. But when I found the right psychiatrist to help me get off the medications, she said it was like night and day, and I had never self-injured after that, nor have I ever self-injured before getting on meds at the age of 30. I’m 43 now. The psychiatrist told me about 13 years ago that I need to make sure to tell any future psychiatrists that I cannot take psychotropic medications because I have an adverse reaction to them and lose time. I’ve since learned how to manage my dissociation, not lose time, not “switch,” embrace the memories that the alternate personalities held, embrace the childhood traumas I had to deal with, and embrace all of me as a whole person. Recently, I was able to attend and finish college with straight A’s. The docs who misdiagnosed me in the distant past said that I wouldn’t last a semester in college because they thought that I was psychotic and had BPD; they were wrong, and they only worsened my depression. Also, they didn’t believe me when I said I was raped, and they said that “borderlines tend to lie about that” as a response to my reason for seeking treatment and filing a police report. I’m also a veteran, and many therapists try to diagnose you with a personality disorder to get away with not compensating veterans for PTSD, which I also have from military sexual trauma (I wasn’t raped in the military, but I was groped and sexually harassed, which added to my PTSD). I know I don’t have BPD because I was able to get honorably discharged from the Marines and, prior to that, about 25 years ago, graduate from the police reserve academy. I was resilient in my teen years and early 20s. It wasn’t until I was about 30 years old when they put me on the meds and misdiagnosed me with BPD. In my younger years, I worked security, had many friends, etc., but the sexual assaults in my later adult life have taken a toll on me, and then the unethical therapists who use the diagnosis of BPD as a weapon worsened my condition. I’m angry at the injustice, I’m angry at the perpetrators who did me harm, I’m grieving over all the losses (including career losses) in my life, and I’m happy about my posttraumatic growth despite such assholes in the field. I recently graduated highest honors in psychology, work in a clinical psych lab as a research assistant, and have published a paper as a post-bacc. I took my life back and am hoping to go to grad school. My aim now is to research iatrogeneic effects of unethical therapeutic alliances, retraumatization in treatment, iatrogenic effects of misdiagnoses, and the need for more competent counselors and psychiatrists who are trained properly. In feminist studies researchers have shown that BPD and other personality disorders largely hold a gender-based biased, whereby anger is not looked at as a result of systemic problems, social injustices, or personal assaults, but rather as a maladaptive emotion disproportionately attributed to personality disorders. We’re not angry at therapists because of some silly projection or defense mechanism or personality flaw; rather, we’re angry at being disbelieved, being misdiagnosed, being gaslit, and being treated horribly by the practitioners who swore an oath to “do no harm.” They have done harm, and it is a systemic problem because they aren’t training these practitioners correctly, there’s a lot of bias about how women should act in society, there’s a lot of bias in diagnosing rape victims, intimate partner violence victims, military sexual trauma victims, and therapy abuse victims. They want to blame the victim, which Judith Herman, in her book “Trauma and Recovery”, states that society tends to victim-blame. The need for social justice and validation is not a “borderline” thing; it’s a humane and LAWFUL stance, and anger at injustice and invalidation in unethical treatment of post-traumatic experiences–whether they stem from childhood, from bereavement, from adulthood rape, or from other victimizations. I just hope more is done to identify these quacks so that they can either (1) get the proper training they need as a practitioner OR (2) quit their job so that they can seek the treatment they need for their own personal issues entering treatment, including secondary trauma. Secondary trauma is NO EXCUSE for unethical behavior in treatment. We’re consumers who are paying them for a service–whether it be through copays or via insurance, it’s still costing taxpayer and personal dollars. They have a duty to uphold their title. Misdiagnosis and unethical mistreatment is wrong and unjust. There are some really good therapists out there, but they often cost a lot of money. I hold onto the good therapy I’ve had with those who gave me the proper treatment for DID and PTSD, and I have lived a better life than the piss-poor treatment I had when I was misdiagnosed with psychosis and BPD. I have enough psychological hardiness, intelligence, and life experience in my 40s to not allow even a therapist to have too much power over my life; I know who I am–my strengths and weaknesses. I won’t allow a therapist to label me with a weakness I don’t have. I admit to my faults, but I will not be gaslit like I was before and have words and thoughts shoved down my brain for the appeasement of the traumatized therapist who suffers from secondary trauma or some other issues. Many therapists have their own issues, and if they don’t take care of it before they enter into their professions, they wind up abusing their patients–plain and simple. I hope that more people like you speak out. Bravo to you for recognizing the power you have within to voice what you did and recognize that you did not have BPD. It’s not that people with BPD don’t deserve proper treatment; they do. But treatment for BPD will have iatrogenic effects for those who do not have BPD and are “mistreated” from that misdiagnosis.

  6. Thank you for your comment. It must have been brutal in AZ too. I think most psychiatrists hate difficult teenage girls, and esp when they have real troubles and need help. I did. but I was not borderline, and my mother would fight anyone who told her I was manipulative…to this day she says they got me all wrong, they never say the Pam that she saw…It comforts me, plus the doctor who started that whole thing wrote this bizarre letter to my present psychiatrist taking it all back after ten years. saying she never believed the dx, never used it herself (HAH! ) but couldn’t convince others that it wasn’t true. NOT> she started it by capitulating to the staff who wanted to use behavioral techniques on me to control me, and instead of standing up for me as she knew I did not have it, she went along with it, and only ten years later, after fighting with me for 9 years to get me to acquiesce to it, writes Dr C to say she never did believe it…OH it was so irritating and devastating, because i thought finally that she really did believe in the Dx even if I did not. She was such a liar, such a traumatized, and manipulator herself,…to do such a damaging thing to me and then deny it! I cannot believe it! I hate her and yet I appreciate that she would put her opinion in writing, take that risk. Because i could may be have sued her….Enough, I must sleep and get up early tomorrow and this bring such terrible sorrow to mind, so much damage and nearly murder was committed because of this dx…you would dnot believe it. The hostpial staffs just hated me before they even knew me, because they dismissed me first thing. I HATE THEM!!!!! Enough, for now. Thanks for the comment. I am leaving CT and moving to VT in three months, I will be killed her if I am hospitalized again, I know it.

  7. Pamela, I very much relate to this blog post. I think that all women in p$ychiatry get labeled Borderline. It’s a gender stereotype punishment hysteria label. I’m sorry that they were allowed to write that in your permanent file. I believe you when you say that you don’t meet the criteria. My rapist father calls me borderline even though I literally don’t meet the criteria.
    When I was a teenager and locked up in a “residential treatment facility” in an Arizona desert against my will, they called every patient/prisoner (it was a girls only “program”) there “manipulative”. It hurt(s) me so deeply and it is unjust that these “mental health professionals” can label us with insults to degrade and control us and make it seem scientific/medical.

    I really enjoyed reading your blog. (I’m from Connecticut too.)

  8. The thing is I was never diagnosed by anyone who really knows me with BPD. Only by temporary in-hospital doctors, AFTER they abused me…So what they saw was my reaction to the extreme trauma of brutal four point restraints, stripped naked, tied to the four corners of an iron bedstead at one hospital, or after seclusion for weeks at a time…isolated and not even allowed to speak to the person monitoring the room.

    What sort of treatment is that for any human being much less someone who is psychotic? My family — ALL my family members and friends have always denied that i exhibit any of the BPD constellation of symptoms, including inappropriate anger and unstable relationships. I have been abused, yes, seriously and thrice date raped when I was too innocent to know I was not to blame. Yes, I have PTSD as a result, But I never FELT that I had PTSD before I was so traumatized by hospital personnel , esp over the past decade.

    I have nearly two dozen close and loving friends, individually not as a group. And except for the shit flinging episodes when I am OOC with fury at being dismissed and denied my rights as a human being, not to mention all the horror that goes along with being simultaneously psychotic, I have no trouble at all controlling my anger. I can be angry, yes, but i channel it in constructive ways, such as in this blog and in letter writing campaigns and in art and such. And in fighting against injustice and the ruination of the earth. I also consider my art to be a fourth miracle of my life, because it changed my life, as did the other three miracles. How many people get to say that they have experienced four life-changing miracles before the age of 60?

    Trust me, I am angry, but I am not an angry person, and there is a big difference, In fact, I am capable of great joy, which is why I think I feel blessed by the aforementioned miracles. (They were not physical or even mental healings, just life-changing events for the good…)

    I would also say that I do not even exhibit unstable moods! I take an anticonvulsant for its primary use: as an anti-seizure medication, because FORCED electroconvulsive treatments left me with temporal lobe epilepsy. But I do NOT have a mood disorder, even though over the years, due to my supposedly uncontrollable (IN HOSPITAL ONLY temper, I have been sometimes called “schizo-affective.” That is balderdash. I am not depressed, and while I can feel sad, I know the difference between a mood and a feeling, and my sad feelings pass.

    What I do suffer from, and I admit this, is an enormous sense that I am to blame for the world’s ills. I am evil and had I never been born the world would not be engaged in the mortal combat it is presently in. I mean this seriously. All the fish are dying. All the oceans are moribund and frankly just the mosquito problem this summer says it all: I KILLED all the bats in the world, so no wonder there are mosquitos by the gazillions out now…I am not kidding or exaggerating. I love polar bears and have loved them forever, but I killed them. And I killed the last Yangtze River Dolphin…No, don’t tell me I exaggerate. I know I should never have been born. I was an evil child, and evil seed, and for all my loving friends and kind family and all my gestures to make good and do good and try to end the suffering, I cannot change what evil my nature has caused. I should be dead. If I were a truly GOOD person I would kill myself. But I don’t because I am not…

    Maybe this is clearer to you now, or not. I dunno.

    I read many Alice Miller books many years ago. I liked her, but as with most books, I had so much trouble reading under the influence of Prolixin decanoate that a lot of what she said went over my head and into the cloud of medication. Too bad. I don’t think I could reread anything now. But I do recall thinking “she has a lot to say if only I could just get it into my head..” .I do not recall anything at all about complex PtSD in the books though. In the 90s was it even spoken of much? that’s when I first read the Drama of the Gifted Child, as I recall. But so much is blurred. Maybe it wasn’t so long ago, I dunno…

    Thanks so very much for all your comments. I love your terrific intelligence and your patience. You deserve some good friends, and a couple of close ones, if you could trust them. It would be good for you, if you dared.

    Thank you again, Hope, You’re a good egg..I like you.

  9. When I was originally diagnosed with BPD, I think it was because my self-injury was something the doctors and therapists didn’t know how else to deal with. At the time, the only diagnosis that included intentional self-injury was BPD. I didn’t meet 5 of the 9 criteria, which is supposed to be the threshold for diagnosis.

    I didn’t engage in frantic efforts to avoid abandonment because I didn’t get attached to anyone. I still feel very few attachments to people, even ones who I like a lot and have been part of my life for a long time. It’s not that I don’t care about them, but I’m not good at keeping in touch, and I don’t miss them if they fade out of my life.

    I didn’t engage in impulsive behavior; in fact, I tend to be overly risk-averse in most cases. I overthink most things and don’t do anything until I’ve played out in my head all the possible outcomes in my head and how I would respond in each case.

    I didn’t have trouble managing anger–unless you count the fact that I couldn’t allow myself to feel it at all toward anyone but myself, which almost killed me. I put up with 19 years of abuse, and I only showed outward anger to my parents a handful of times. I honestly believed, as an adult, that I just didn’t feel anger, only annoyance and frustration sometimes. I turned all of it inward into self-hatred that almost killed me before I found an excellent therapist who kept poking at my anger until I finally felt it and acknowledged it and realized that it wasn’t going to explode like a nuclear weapon that would level cities. Now, my ability to feel anger is what drives the work I do.

    The rest of the symptoms I have can be much better explained as reactions to repeated, severe trauma than as some inherent wrongness in my personality. Have you read Alice Miller’s work? She says that a lot of people diagnosed with BPD actually have complex PTSD, and that certainly resonates with me. I think it might with you, too.

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