Healing Art as I go down the Rabbit Hole…

TIm, my best Gay Boyfriend, eating watermelon.
TIm, my best Gay Boyfriend, eating watermelon.

 

And now for something really different. Cartoons that tell you about my life these days.

Pam's Having Car trouble
Pam’s Having Car trouble

 

Hope you can make out the text okay…It is a little difficult,. granted. But I tried to photograph the pages clearly as possible.

The next morning she retrieves the car
The next morning she retrieves the car and finds the same problems remain…Why?

 

She's GOt all the dates Wrong
She’s GOt all the dates Wrong and so much more…

 

Fear is ONLY an Almond...the amygdala in the brain is the NUT that makes us nuts!
Fear is ONLY an Almond…the amygdala in the brain is the NUT that makes us nuts!

 

Gargantua is the name of a book, and a character in the book. In it someone says, Appetite comes with eating. It helps me to think about that when I find i cannot find a way to put food enough in my mouth to keep going…I need to eat on schedule if only to keep my strength up.

 

It cannot be Pam Pam Pam al the time. No, he has to start to share of himself or the relationship is off. She CARES about him and it isn't all about HER!
It cannot be Pam Pam Pam al the time. No, he has to start to share of himself or the relationship is off. She CARES about him and it isn’t all about HER!

Meanwhile I am not in a good state at all. Bill wanted to talk about an email I sent him saying as much as the above, but I am much too shaky to be able to deal with it. I just cannot use him to talk TO alone…I have friends with whom we have shared equally all along, and so I do not feel a burden now when I am in trouble. But Bill has ceased talking about himself a long while ago, and I am to blame for letting him withdraw. I felt slighted but felt that perhaps he was reserved and saved his intimate moments for his girlfriend…But no more. I cannot be using HIM as a pair of ears and feel that he shares nothing back. THen I feel guilty and a selfish user! That isn’t fair to me let alone to him…It won’t happen. It won’t be. Not any longer. Hear that, Bill? YOU are an important part of our friendship, as a person,. and if you don’t want to be a person, I do not want a NON-person as a friend.

 

Enough. I feel like I am going to die. And now even the doc doesn’t want to suggest that I take even a sliver of Abilify now that I am off it…So I am really up a creek..Up a creek because I dunno how long I can tolerate this. I smell rot rising inside me, smell it for real., Like my body is rotting from within…Where is it coming from? I brush my teeth several times a day (unusual for me!) but still the rot smell persists!

 

I am not a praying person, but I know many of you are. I am in such deep shit. I will be going to art therapy today, perhaps that will bring some relief. in the meantime, if you feel prayer can help, pray for me…?

 

Thank you , all of you, for hanging in with me. I am NOT a quitter, I am not a quitter!

 

 

11 thoughts on “Healing Art as I go down the Rabbit Hole…”

  1. Pam,
    Remember when we first met. It was 1989. You nicknamed me blonde bimbo and also the oracle. Not sure which name I liked best! Pam, I once had a migraine so bad that I was blinded by it. By the time my doctor met me (after hours) I had to feel my way along the wall to get in her office. She injected me with imitrex…at least that’s what I think it was. She slammed that needle into my arm so fast and hard that she bruised me and that spot took over a year to stop hurting. Anyway, the thing she said to me that helped was. Make sure you eat Carole. Don’t go long periods without food, even if it’s just buttered toast. I liked your post about the friend who wasn’t chipping in with disclosures about himself. That is an interesting subject. I ditched a person once for that same reason. Little Mary sunshine was annoying with all her ” everything is fantastic in my life.” The flip side gets tiresome also. A long litany of misery that never gets any better. Oh well, such is life!
    Carole

  2. I love the post! So creative!

    I’m thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better. Esp., hoping the migraine is gone or at least, on it’s way out the door?

    I like the part in this post about your friendship, and how you demand to be a friend. I have felt that too in friendships and even family. People have told me that after hearing about my struggles, they feel guilty to mention their own trials and tribulations in life, as well as things they are happy about, but I want to be treated like a whole person. I too want to give friendship, even though sometimes, my life does make that very challenging.

    Please feel free to call me anytime Pam. Neil moved into an apartment, so I’ve been very busy the past several days. He and I both are not unaffected by the past year, but I think he did make the right decision. I continue to wish he could find an appropriate residential community. Where he lives is definitely not long term. The place is nothing like home; no grass or yard with a bird haven, but he has a deck with trees, which might be nice with some plants and a bird feeder.

    I’ll say a prayer for you too. My faith is challenged by doubt, but I still pray.

    We love you Pam!
    Michelle and family.

  3. No worries, computers are always getting things wrong with their intonation! They misread things all the time. Esp when they listen for intonations and subtleties that aren’t there. Silly computers! (I’m a poet, by the way, but while I write carefully, I am always being accused of being “deeper’ than the superficial story line” Maybe I say more than I do, but not intentionally, What you see is all that I know about. At least consciously! IN any event, I am not making any simpsons social commentary with my cartoons Only telling my story. but if it is read that way, well hey, maybe it works, I dunno. All I intended was to record my present struggles. I rarely like to get or take credit for anything more than I intend

    Capisce?

    Nice chatting with you!

    Pam

  4. Hi… Maybe I miss read your post. The intonation is broken on my computer. Sorry if I wrote anything that seemed wrong.

    Juan

  5. But I am doing none of that here. Commenting entirely on my own lifeperhaps you didn’t see that? No mockery whatsoever I was entirely seriousl Not sure how you read the cartoons but I am not sophisticated enough to be mocking anyone. Not at the moment.

    What you see is truly what you getNo hidden messages or deeper meanings.

    Pam

  6. Not sure I understand the comment. What market is cornered? Am I being incredibly stoopid? I don’t know popular culture, so I apologize if I’ve missed somethingBut I would love an explanation, from anyone who does understand this

    Thanks!

    P

  7. Thank you so much Mary. THey say that prayer can help even when the person prayed about doesn’t know or care..If so, then I accept all help from everyone. THank you, thank you thank you! May your god bless you a dozen ways and a dozen times. Love, Pam

  8. I am praying for you, Pam. Yes, there is power in prayer, and I think you should try it. You have tried medication, art therapy, and so many things. Try God. Be blessed, my dear friend. Respond if you get this, please.

    Mary Neal’s Google+ – https://plus.google.com/u/0/115212823950444967993/posts – Follow me at Twitter @koffietime – http://twitter.com/koffietime – Current, urgent justice issues from a laywoman’s viewpoint at my primary blog http://FreeSpeakBlog.blogspot.com (the name is a joke, believe me). See also http://MaryLovesJustice.blogspot.comand DogJusticeforMentallyIll http://DogJusticeforMentallyIll.blogspot.comJusticeGagged http://JusticeGagged.blogspot.com Davis/MacPhailTruthCommittee http://DMTruth.blogspot.com Mary Neal at HubPages http://MaryNeal.hubpages.com . Recommended articles – http://topsy.com/site/freespeakblog.blogspot.com – Address: MaryLovesJustice@gmail.com (I’m censored, but some emails reach my box) Try to phone me at 678.531.0262, however, none of us really has free speech, so they may prevent your call.

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