I Haven’t Spoken A Word in Four days…

 

I know this audio file may be difficult to understand, but this is what happens when the voices go haywire…I can’t speak. And I cannot even tell you what triggered it, but something did. I tried to go to a Voice Hearers workshop on Tuesday about Taboo and Dangerous voices, but i could scarcely enter the building. I had to “get permission” just to open the door, and when I did, I could not stay…Just could not stay. Forget it. I’m worthless.

7 thoughts on “I Haven’t Spoken A Word in Four days…”

  1. Thank you all of you for your concern…I will be okay. I have a chronic problem with being the PIA scumbag of the world. Yes, Brenda it so happens that I have slowly cut down to half my medications, but I honestly do not trust the antipsychotic meds to do anything but HURT me…and frankly I never took them for anything but the side effects. I don’t believe in the side effects any longer so there is no point in taking them. If it turns out I cannot do art or writing without them at all, that will be a different story. But for now, I write just fine, I write perhaps excessively, because I should just shut up for change! I know, someone said I shouldn’t say that, but I take up too much room on this planet, too much air, make too much noise and fuss and bother, and that includes my GD voice. I should just get out of everyone’s face! If I were a really good moral person I would. Why don’t you SCRAM, PAM!!!!!! Get the F’ing hell out of…(You should know that’s what I simultaneously deal with as I write,..hearing it and agreeing with it, so it’s hard. ) But truly, enough from me for tonight, or they may get the better of me.

  2. An additional thought regarding what happened to Andy… If Andy lived in India or a similar culture where people who have experienced religious ecstasy or other states are actually accepted and even cared for, he might have had a different life.
    We live in a culture that, to my mind, illogically believes that God only talks to a select few “holy” or enlightened people… I believe our Creator talks to anyone (he/she) feels like… Who are we to say otherwise? And because we live in a culture that puts faith in boxes, known as denominations, we don’t know how to deal with a random individual who is experiencing the connection to the Creator full blast.
    I was a wreck after my Near Death Experience in my 20s. I knew one person to talk to about it and he was more interested in my experience as another anecdote to add to a book he was writing than in helping me as a person feeling overwhelmed by all that had been revealed to me in my brief visit to what I think of as our Home — the state we are born from and the state we return to when we leave this place.
    The problem was being so raw that everything was bombarding me – faces, light, the sound of light bulbs, smells, the real meaning behind people’s words, inexpressible joy (rapture?), stuff I don’t even have words for – and yet I was supposed to get up, get dressed, eat, go to work, drive a car, buy stuff at a store, TALK TO PEOPLE, and all that we are normally numb about…
    Gradually, I was able to turn down the volume. It may be that your friend Andy had a profound experience that he just couldn’t come back from, couldn’t share and that he lost the ability to tend to everyday life. If so, this certainly supports what I wrote earlier, that you couldn’t have done anything to help him or more importantly, hurt him.
    I would suggest, Pam, that rather than putting on a hair shirt to atone for what you think you’ve done – do for yourself that which you wish you’d done for Andy. Forgive yourself. Accept yourself. And take your beautiful self out into the world and give someone else comfort – whether it’s working on art with some senior citizens, or helping to serve lunch at the soup kitchen, or planting a garden at a church… Bring your spirit out into the sunshine and fresh air and be of service to others and above all, treat yourself with the respect and gentleness you would wish for others who struggle with their lives.
    Keep writing here, Pam. With love – Brenda

  3. Pam, sometimes we think something “out there” or “in there” is causing us to think and feel negatively, but in fact it’s the brain chemical thing on a roller coaster ride. Have you changed anything recently? Does any of this seem familiar – meaning can you think of a trigger for your current state? I was off of my ADD/depression RX for about three months because I had no money (and am not eligible at this time for aid, long story)… In the first month, I knew things were a little off but gradually I slid into a very dark place and for the first time in years, thought daily about suicide. Some little slice of my consciousness, though, knew that all this was the result of not taking my medication. I finally asked my sister for money because I was afraid I’d actually hurt myself. Three days back on medication and I am humming, cleaning house, enjoying the fact that today is my birthday (I am 60!)… Also, regarding people we love taking their own lives… it is never your fault, even if you reject someone. Everyone is the captain of his or her own ship. Your friend didn’t have to respond to your actions with suicide — but even saying that, you should also understand that people who are loved and supported and accepted also take their own lives, leaving the people behind shattered. That’s why suicide is sometimes referred to as “selfish” – because of the scars it leaves on the “survivors,” which is what you are experiencing when you think about the ones you loved who chose to leave… You also feel betrayed and abandoned… But the important thing is, you are not and never have been the catalyst for anyone’s self-destruction. And you have as much worth as anyone else on the planet – please let that penetrate your awareness. Keep writing how you truly feel, though, Pam, because I believe that when we choke back these putrid thoughts that we are in the most danger. Please also connect with others in your life who love and understand you – you know who they are. With love — Brenda

  4. I listened to the recording and whomever’s transcript that is, it is my hope that they know something that i’ve tried to stick with for a long time: that regret is the most wasted emotion- it is recycled negative energy and there is so much more kinds of outlets (artistic, community, etc) out there that will nourish rather than to think about what we can’t/couldn’t control. I really appreciated your interest in my art and look forward to seeing any of your current work: sketches, paintings etc! -candace : )

  5. It hurt me to hear your words against my friend, Pam Wagner, saying she is worthless and that nobody cares about her. It hurts because I care about her. Thousands of people who read her blog and feel closer to understanding the plight of their own loved ones who suffer from mental illnesses also care about this sensitive and talented woman. Pam is a very gifted artist, capable of using her artistic ability to help us realize some of what people in her circumstances undergo. I believe some of Pam’s readers may be other mental patients who are inspired by her perseverance through bad times, and I cannot imagine what it might do to them to learn that she lost hope and actually harmed herself. I hope I never read about or hear anyone denigrating my friend Pam Wagner again – including you, my dear Pam. You are not alone.

    Please seek help immediately. If you want to talk, my phone number has not changed.

    Blessings,
    Mary Neal
    Assistance to the Incarcerated Mentally Ill

  6. I am estranged from my twin, if that is the sister you mean, and my younger sister cannot tolerate much of me…My doc knows I am not able to talk…What can she do about it? Not much.

  7. Pam, I am one of your writing compatriots. The past few of your postings have concerned me. Have your connected with your sister or your docs?

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